IT FAMILY 2.0
CHARACTERS
WIFE
HUSBAND
SON
DAUGHTER
FIRST HUSBAND/DOG
[A beautiful house. A good-looking WIFE cleaning her beautiful living room.
The front door opens and HUSBAND enters.]
[Battameez dil battameez dil]
HUSBAND: Hi, Honey! I’m home!
WIFE: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?!
HUSBAND: I’m your new husband baby. Where should I put my coat?
[He tries to hug WIFE, but she backs away from him terrified.]
WIFE: Don’t touch me! I’ll scream! I’ll call the police!
HUSBAND: Cool Down Babby..! Aren’t you going to ask how my day was?
WIFE: [Evanyaako Bittogo Thara Kaantha illa.. Swalpa divert maadona]
How … how was your day?
HUSBAND: It was awful! Just like every other day! Same old boring job, boss, life, Wife. And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to me—why come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new?
WIFE: But … I already have a husband.
HUSBAND: Eurekaaa! I have an idea! He can have my wife. Where does he work?
WIFE: He’s an IT engineer.
HUSBAND: Perfect! I love technology! All those little gadgets and stuff! It’ll be great!
WIFE: Look, I’m … I’m sorry your life is so boring. My life is boring too. But you can’t just walk in here and expect us to—
HUSBAND: Oh! I almost forgot! Look Here! I brought you flowers!
[He shows a bouquet of flowers from his coat.]
WIFE: You brought me flowers?
HUSBAND: They’re orchids—a symbol of rare beauty and eternal love—my love for you.
WIFE: My … my husband hasn’t brought me flowers in almost fifteen years.
HUSBAND: I wrote you a song too.
WIFE: A song?
HUSBAND: [Tum hi ho song from Ashiqui2 movie]
WIFE: That’s beautiful. You … you really wrote that?
HUSBAND: Only for you.
[Pause. She considers this.]
WIFE: Do you pee in the shower?
HUSBAND: Never.
WIFE: Snore?
HUSBAND: I don’t think so.
WIFE: Any history of baldness in your family?
HUSBAND: On the contrary. We’re very hairy.
WIFE: Anniversary in Ooty or Goa?
HUSBAND: Both.
WIFE: Watch Cricket or do me in the kitchen?
HUSBAND: Do you really have to ask?
[He moves closer to kiss her]
WIFE: Easy, Tiger. You’ll have to win the kids over first. Children! [Enter SON and DAUGHTER.] Children, meet your new father.
HUSBAND: Hi, kids.
SON: You’re not my father! You’re a fake! An imposter!
WIFE: Heyyyyyy!
HUSBAND: Honey please! Let me handle it! Do you like Cricket?
SON: Sure.
HUSBAND: I’ll take you to the Big Game.
SON: The Big Game?! No way! [He embraces HUSBAND.] I love you, Dad!
DAUGHTER: What about me? I hate Cricket.
HUSBAND: Do you like shopping?
DAUGHTER: Duh.
HUSBAND: Here—knock yourself out.
[He hands her a hundred rupee bill.]
DAUGHTER: A hundred rupee bill?! You’re the greatest!
WIFE: Go play in your room, kids. Your father and I need some time alone.
DAUGHTER: Sure thing, Mom.
SON: See ya later, Dad.
WIFE: Let me call my husband and ask him to come home. [Tick Tick Tick]
Helloooo!
FIRST HUSBAND: Hi Darling, what are you doing Darling?
WIFE: I’m dying..!
FIRST HUSBAND: Don't die dear! how can I live without you?
WIFE: You fool! I am dying my hair..
FIRST HUSBAND: Bloody English Language!
WIFE: Can you come home ASAP?
FIRST HUSBAND: Will be home in a minute!
[Car speeding sound]
FIRST HUSBAND: Hi, Honey! I’m …
[A sad but funny song for original husband entry]
what’s going on here?! Who are you man?!
HUSBAND: Who are you by the way?
FIRST HUSBAND: I’m calling the police!
WIFE: Wait! Give me the house key.
FIRST HUSBAND: What?
WIFE: Your key. Hand it over.
FIRST HUSBAND: I don’t understand.
WIFE: He’s replacing you.
FIRST HUSBAND: Replacing me?
WIFE: That’s right. He’s in—you’re out.
FIRST HUSBAND: But why?!
WIFE: He brought me flowers! When’s the last time you brought me flowers?!
FIRST HUSBAND: I—
WIFE: Exactly. Now stop stuttering and hand over the key.
FIRST HUSBAND: But … what about the kids?! You can’t take the kids away from me!
Kids!
[Enter SON and DAUGHTER.] You don’t want me to go—do you kids?
SON: He’s taking me to the Big Game.
FIRST HUSBAND: I’ll take you!
SON: Too late. You had your chance.
FIRST HUSBAND: But—
DAUGHTER: Sorry. It’s nothing personal.
WIFE: [Her hand outstretched] The key.
FIRST HUSBAND: But I don’t want to go! Please, I’ll … I’ll do anything! Just let me stay!
I won’t bother you! I’ll stay out of the way! I’ll … I’ll be another kid! Or the family dog!
SON: I’ve always wanted a dog!
Please?! Can I keep him?! Can I?!
WIFE: I don’t know. What do you think, Honey?
HUSBAND: Wellll, I don't know either!
SON: I’ll take care of him! I promise!
[To FIRST HUSBAND/DOG.] Come here, boy! Sit! Roll over! Play dead! Good boy!
FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof! Woof!
[The whole scene is just a bad dream for First Husband. Wife who listned to his scream, wakes him up. He then realize what he seen was just a dream and realize how much he is ignoring his family because of his hectic work.]
FIRST HUSBAND: Its a dream! Oh My God! Its just a bloody dream! I will never ingnore you my darling, kids and family for my work!
Oh my god! I will never do that again!
[The play ends]
With Love,
RD
CHARACTERS
WIFE
HUSBAND
SON
DAUGHTER
FIRST HUSBAND/DOG
[A beautiful house. A good-looking WIFE cleaning her beautiful living room.
The front door opens and HUSBAND enters.]
[Battameez dil battameez dil]
HUSBAND: Hi, Honey! I’m home!
WIFE: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?!
HUSBAND: I’m your new husband baby. Where should I put my coat?
[He tries to hug WIFE, but she backs away from him terrified.]
WIFE: Don’t touch me! I’ll scream! I’ll call the police!
HUSBAND: Cool Down Babby..! Aren’t you going to ask how my day was?
WIFE: [Evanyaako Bittogo Thara Kaantha illa.. Swalpa divert maadona]
How … how was your day?
HUSBAND: It was awful! Just like every other day! Same old boring job, boss, life, Wife. And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to me—why come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new?
WIFE: But … I already have a husband.
HUSBAND: Eurekaaa! I have an idea! He can have my wife. Where does he work?
WIFE: He’s an IT engineer.
HUSBAND: Perfect! I love technology! All those little gadgets and stuff! It’ll be great!
WIFE: Look, I’m … I’m sorry your life is so boring. My life is boring too. But you can’t just walk in here and expect us to—
HUSBAND: Oh! I almost forgot! Look Here! I brought you flowers!
[He shows a bouquet of flowers from his coat.]
WIFE: You brought me flowers?
HUSBAND: They’re orchids—a symbol of rare beauty and eternal love—my love for you.
WIFE: My … my husband hasn’t brought me flowers in almost fifteen years.
HUSBAND: I wrote you a song too.WIFE: A song?
HUSBAND: [Tum hi ho song from Ashiqui2 movie]
WIFE: That’s beautiful. You … you really wrote that?
HUSBAND: Only for you.
[Pause. She considers this.]
WIFE: Do you pee in the shower?
HUSBAND: Never.
WIFE: Snore?
HUSBAND: I don’t think so.
WIFE: Any history of baldness in your family?
HUSBAND: On the contrary. We’re very hairy.
WIFE: Anniversary in Ooty or Goa?
HUSBAND: Both.
WIFE: Watch Cricket or do me in the kitchen?
HUSBAND: Do you really have to ask?
[He moves closer to kiss her]
WIFE: Easy, Tiger. You’ll have to win the kids over first. Children! [Enter SON and DAUGHTER.] Children, meet your new father.
HUSBAND: Hi, kids.
SON: You’re not my father! You’re a fake! An imposter!
WIFE: Heyyyyyy!
HUSBAND: Honey please! Let me handle it! Do you like Cricket?
SON: Sure.
HUSBAND: I’ll take you to the Big Game.
SON: The Big Game?! No way! [He embraces HUSBAND.] I love you, Dad!
DAUGHTER: What about me? I hate Cricket.
HUSBAND: Do you like shopping?
DAUGHTER: Duh.
HUSBAND: Here—knock yourself out.
[He hands her a hundred rupee bill.]
DAUGHTER: A hundred rupee bill?! You’re the greatest!
WIFE: Go play in your room, kids. Your father and I need some time alone.
DAUGHTER: Sure thing, Mom.
SON: See ya later, Dad.
WIFE: Let me call my husband and ask him to come home. [Tick Tick Tick]
Helloooo!
FIRST HUSBAND: Hi Darling, what are you doing Darling?
WIFE: I’m dying..!
FIRST HUSBAND: Don't die dear! how can I live without you?
WIFE: You fool! I am dying my hair..
FIRST HUSBAND: Bloody English Language!
WIFE: Can you come home ASAP?
FIRST HUSBAND: Will be home in a minute!
[Car speeding sound]
FIRST HUSBAND: Hi, Honey! I’m …
[A sad but funny song for original husband entry]
what’s going on here?! Who are you man?!
HUSBAND: Who are you by the way?
FIRST HUSBAND: I’m calling the police!
WIFE: Wait! Give me the house key.
FIRST HUSBAND: What?
WIFE: Your key. Hand it over.
FIRST HUSBAND: I don’t understand.
WIFE: He’s replacing you.
FIRST HUSBAND: Replacing me?
WIFE: That’s right. He’s in—you’re out.
FIRST HUSBAND: But why?!
WIFE: He brought me flowers! When’s the last time you brought me flowers?!
FIRST HUSBAND: I—
WIFE: Exactly. Now stop stuttering and hand over the key.
FIRST HUSBAND: But … what about the kids?! You can’t take the kids away from me!
Kids!
[Enter SON and DAUGHTER.] You don’t want me to go—do you kids?
SON: He’s taking me to the Big Game.
FIRST HUSBAND: I’ll take you!
SON: Too late. You had your chance.
FIRST HUSBAND: But—
DAUGHTER: Sorry. It’s nothing personal.
WIFE: [Her hand outstretched] The key.
FIRST HUSBAND: But I don’t want to go! Please, I’ll … I’ll do anything! Just let me stay!
I won’t bother you! I’ll stay out of the way! I’ll … I’ll be another kid! Or the family dog!
SON: I’ve always wanted a dog!
Please?! Can I keep him?! Can I?!
WIFE: I don’t know. What do you think, Honey?
HUSBAND: Wellll, I don't know either!
[To FIRST HUSBAND/DOG.] Come here, boy! Sit! Roll over! Play dead! Good boy!
FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof! Woof!
[The whole scene is just a bad dream for First Husband. Wife who listned to his scream, wakes him up. He then realize what he seen was just a dream and realize how much he is ignoring his family because of his hectic work.]
FIRST HUSBAND: Its a dream! Oh My God! Its just a bloody dream! I will never ingnore you my darling, kids and family for my work!
Oh my god! I will never do that again!
[The play ends]
With Love,
RD
